Do You Remember How I Said

I was going to be more relaxed this cycle. Well, here's my proof that I am!

This is my temp chart from last cycle, complete with every side effect/symptom I ever may have felt.

Here is my temp chart from this cycle...well, I guess I can't call it a temp chart anymore.

It really is amazing how much better I feel when I'm not scrutinizing every itch, ache, pain, and twinge.

Stay Relaxed Blogger Buddies!

The Story of Russ and Lisa

After rereading some of my current posts, I realized that this blog is a little depressing. I don't mean for it to be like that. I just write what I am feeling at the time and it just happened to be a few depressing blogs in a row. Soooooo....I'm going to tell all you Blogger Buddies about my hubby and I.

When my Mom and Dad moved to a new place, my Mom got a job with a chain kind of like Wal-Mart. She worked for a really great guy named Russ. HA! Yes, you guys have got it right! Russ was my Mother's boss!!!! So, she introduced us in July of 2002. We went on our first date on August 30, 2002...which happened to be my birthday! By the way, Russ' birthday is August 29...he's one day older than me! Russ then asked me to be his girl on September 4, 2002.

For our first date, Russ took me to see "Signs" in the theater. I was never into suspensful or scary movies at that time and I held his hand so tight that he had to lean over during the movie and say "I'm going to need that hand tomorrow."

So, we dated for a year and 4 months and we were engaged on December 24, 2003. We were married on September 4, 2004, 2 years to the day from when we started dating. And as they say, the rest is history.

Here are a few fun photos of us.

At our wedding, September 4, 2004

Still in love after six years together.

At Russ' graduation party, June 2008

Christmas 2007

Thanksgiving 2007
Thanksgiving 2007

Canoe Trip, August 2007

Summer 2007

Baseball Game, Summer 2007

Summer 2007

Summer 2007

Summer 2007

Christmas 2006

Summer 2006

Stay Cool Blogger Buddies!

Do You Ever Feel Like

You have put your life on hold for one moment? This is how I've been feeling lately. I'm waiting for that one moment where I look at the little pee stick and there are two lines, not just one. I'm waiting for that moment that is going to change our lives forever. And then I think to myself, why? Why am I not doing the things I want to do while waiting for that moment? After searching for the answer to this, it all comes down to money. I want to go to nursing school, but I would either have to quit my job or quit my infertility treatment. I want to buy a house, but I would have to make the choice between infertility treatments and buying that house. Russ and I were going to move, but we would have had to quit infertility treatments to do that. Plus, I would have had to get another job and there is usually a one year wait for "pre-existing conditions." So, I have found myself at the crossroads of a very important decision, one that can change my life. Do I continue with infertility treatments and put a hold on all of my other life goals or do I start living my life without the possibility of children? Obviously the latter isn't the way I'm going to go so I guess I just changed my life plans. Oh well, they probably wouldn't have worked out like I want anyway!

Make good decisions Blogger Buddies!

To Get Together or Not To Get Together?

There is a group at the church we worship with called "The Young Married's." I fondly refer to them as "The Fertile People's Club." Up until now, Russ and I have attended many of the outings and events they have put on. The last few times have been exteremely difficult for us....ok, me. Finding ourselves knee deep in fertility treatments and going to get-togethers with families that have no idea what infertility is gets old real quick. Russ and I have not told these people about our infertility issues so we can't blame them for saying things to us like "when are you going to have children?" or "we won't make fun of you because you don't have children." But it hurts. Bad. For my own self-preservation, I can not go to these events anymore. The last event was so hard. I cried....at their house....luckily I was in a room with a closed door and only Russ knew, but still. So the question I'm having to ask myself is "Self, how do I need to deal with this?" Should we just suck it up and go and I'll be depressed the whole time and have to listen to women talk about their vaginal deliveries that took four hours or do I refuse to go and risk hurting the feelings of the host and hostess? I help teach a lot of these children in a Wednesday evening Bible Class and that is about all I can handle of beautiful children in a week. My heart just can not do this anymore. So, I'm going to go with the latter option and hope they'll be understanding.

Site to Share

I love getting payment stubs that have procedure codes for whatever service the clinic provided for me. Ok, actually, I hate it. Why can't it ever say "Trans Vaginal Ultrasound" instead of code "76830"? So, I went on a mission. Yay for the internet. I found this great site! All I have to do is type in the procedure code to see what exactly they did to me that day. And I just wanted to share because I know many of you are probably getting the same types of bills that say things like "58340 - $227.00."

Stay Informed Blogger Buddies!

Alone With My Scary Thoughts

Like I said in a previous post, I love to walk. Not only is it good for my body, but it's also good therapy. It gives me a chance to think over things going on in my life. As you know, I love to research everything especially infertility. I've been reading about health risks included with infertility (besides not being able to conceive) lately. I found this and it is a little scary. For women who haven't had babies, the risk for ovarian cancer skyrockets. Then I found this which states that there could be a connection between ovarian cancer and ovulation inducing drugs, i.e. clomid. The evidence for this is inconclusive, but the thought is still scary. So, on my walks, I think about my infertility and now about the health risks associated with it, mainly ovarian cancer. I am a believer of not crossing bridges that I haven't come to, but I do believe in being informed. So the thought is still there in the back of my mind tormenting me and my walks from time to time. I don't know whether or not I will have ovarian cancer at a later age. I'm trying my hardest to get pregnant and reduce the chance, but if I don't my chances do go up. I am trying so hard to reduce my chances for other diseases by being healthier, but for this one thing I can't do anything about it. And the chances are still there, are still higher, and I have to accept the fact that I may not have biological children and I may get ovarian cancer. But, I also may be smashed by a piano falling from the sky so who knows what is going to happen.

Stay healthy Blogger Buddies.

To All My Blogger Buddies

When I first started this blog the only people who read it were my sis, my husband, and my Dad. Yeah, I was living the high life. Now, I actually have cyber pals...that comment on my blog. Yay! Go me! So to all of my new faceless friends, thanks. I appreciate you reading about my life and I appreciate your comments.

Thanks Blogger Buddies!

Fierce Loyalty

I have been told on more than one occasion lately that my doctor is not aggressive enough and that I need to move on to another doctor. I was really confused earlier today because I had just had a really good, informative appointment. I proceeded to post about it on the message boards on WebMD and got this negative feedback. So I called Russ and asked him what he thought. He agreed with the girls on WebMD. I was really upset about that for a while. Then I got to thinking. I am the one seeing my doctor. I am the one getting treatment. This is my decision. I like the way he is treating me. I like the fact that our personalities coincide so that I can actually enjoy our office visits during a time that is horribly emotional. I like the fact that he encourages me to research my options and to question him and the protocol. I believe he is aggressive. He started me right off on clomid after a bunch of questions and an ultrasound. He ordered an HSG after the first round of clomid didn't work. He has me do trigger shots to take all the guesswork out of the cycle. So, he wanted to do one more clomid/natural cycle. So what? I didn't mind. I'm glad he's thinking about me and what my body can do instead of his pocketbook. What is more aggressive? Ordering a laparoscopy before ever giving me the chance at clomid? Recommending IVF before trying anything else? I've been seeing him for four months. That's it. And I am happy.

Whatever keeps us young at heart

My mother and I went to see a dear woman who is confined to a nursing home on Sunday. When I didn't have a job (and trying to concieve full time) I used to go to a pillow making group at the church I am a member of. We made pillows for the pediatric wards of the hospitals here in town. Some of the ladies would sew up the edges, some would stuff them, some (me included in this one) would sew the open edge, and then some would tie bows on them. We made puppies, bears, and rectangular pillows. So I would see Miss Jenny every Tuesday for about a year. We would sit and sew pillows and chat about everything. Mom and I hadn't seen Miss Jenny for a while so we decided we needed to go see her. We walk in her room and she's sitting in a recliner. Her roommate is taking a nap. And what do you supose is on TV??? Hmmm??? I Want to be Made! MTV! Miss Jenny, who turned 80 on Monday, was watching MTV. I laughed and laughed about that!!! Whatever keeps her young, right?

Stay young Blogger Buddies!

Give Life...Give Blood

I am a walkin' foo!

Because I had nothing better to do this morning before work, I took my car and drove the route that I walk; both at home and at work. When I'm home, I walk 3.3 miles and when I'm at work, I walk 1.4 miles. Well, my blood pressure has been elevated since I've started fertility treatments. It likes to hang out at 140/90. I read on WebMD that this could be caused by hormone therapy. My doctor and my NP don't think it's because of that....probably the stress of infertility. Anyway, so I began an expirement to see what could be causing my high blood pressure besides stress. There was a list of things you could do to lower your bp on WebMD. It is as follows:

• Losing weight if you are obese or overweight. (check, I've lost over 60 lbs since May 2007)
• Quitting smoking (check, never did)
• Eating a healthy diet (check, I started eating healthier in May 2007)
• Reducing the amount of sodium in your diet (check, I've never salted my foods)
• Getting regular aerobic exercise (check, I'll get to this in a minute)
• Limiting alcohol intake to one per day (check, I don't drink....ever)
• Limiting your intake of red meat (check, I cut it out completely)

So, basically, I've done everything I could to lower my bp naturally. A couple weeks ago, during the week before graduation, I had way too much to do and didn't walk at all around my home. My bp was high that week. The next week I had eaten a lot of red meat, but was walking at home again. My bp was high that week, too. So, this week I walked around my home on Sunday evening and Monday morning, didn't eat any red meat for a week, went to the doctor Monday morning and my bp was 124/62. YAY for me! It's got to be a combination of walking and eating healthy....with a little less stressed out Lisa thrown in.

I added up the distance I have walked this week and it was 25.4 miles so far. I plan to walk again this evening and in the morning so my bp is nice and low when I go to the doctor tomorrow.

There is nothing more irritating

Than medical professionals on lunch smoking a cigarette. Every day during my lunch period, I take a walk. I always walk in between a hospital and a college campus. And every day I see people in scrubs smoking. I don't understand the deal with smoking anyway, but medical personnel should know better. They work with patients that have horrible diseases because of their smoking habit! I don't know whether anyone at the clinic I use smokes, but if I did know that my doctor smoked, I wouldn't use him anymore. I find it hard to trust in someone that is trying to make you healthy when they so blatantly don't care about being healthy themselves. I know that it is hard to stop, but I also know that every journey in life can be difficult. You get through it and you do what is best for you. If you don't, there are dire consequences that will be paid. "Know ye not that ye are the temple of God, and that the Spirit of God dwelleth in you?" I Corinthians 3:16

Don't smoke Blogger Buddies!

From the Mind of an Infertile

I used to think it was funny that the entire staff of the clinic I go to knows my name. Today, though, it was just a little bit depressing. Unfortunately, all that says to me is that I go to the clinic way too much. I've been seeking treatment since February of this year and all that has really happened are a few big girl cycles and no baby bump to show for the thousands of dollars we have spent. I know that sometimes you have to jump through some hoops to reach a goal, but this is getting a little old. Why is this so easy for some and so hard for others? I guess we can chalk this up to one of those things that make the world go around. And why is it that when I finally get to a state of mind that is okay with this battle, I start to feel depressed again? I know that it is all under God's control and that He will do according to His will, not mine. I also know that my doctor has my best interest at heart. He really is a great doctor and I would recommend him to anybody. I just get bogged down in the facts of infertility and knowing what I could be up against. There are so many things that could be wrong and it's scary to think that we've only just begun this roller coaster ride.

Here are some reasons I believe I will be a great mother:

1. I am a Christian and my handbook is the Bible.
2. I loved teaching Preschool and I love teaching Bible Class.
3. I know a ton of children's songs and the movements to go with them.
4. I can read Fox In Socks by Dr. Suess without getting tongue-tied.
5. I love going to the zoo.
6. I don't mind messes.
7. I want to share my Cabbage Patch Kids.
8. I want my backseat to be stained with baby slobber.
9. I am willing to buy that mini-van.
10. I have a ton of love in my heart specially reserved for a child.

Until next time Blogger Buddies.

Shooting my guest role on Grey's Anatomy...

As a crackhead! Do you inject crack? In the tummy? Wow, I'm going to make a great druggie!

Can you all tell that I am bored? This is my third post today...

Stay Clean Blogger Buddies!

Rain, Rain....

I forgot to mention all the hail we've had this year in my previous post about the torential rain. It's June and ice is falling from the sky....

Stay sheltered Blogger Buddies!

While We Wait

It is difficult to keep a good mindset when experiencing what could be the darkest hours of life. I read an article once that said women going through infertility have the same types of depression, anger, grief and the plethora of other emotions as someone with a terminal illness like cancer or AIDS. That is true, but with terminal illnesses there isn't a cure at the end of the journey. You may live longer than expected, but you always have that disease. But, with infertility, there can be an end if you want there to be. So, while I wait on my body to decide if it wants to bear a child or not, I've been researching other alternatives. Many of the infertility books and articles I have read list "living child free" as an alternative. That's just not an option for Russ and I. After recieving my very first Cabbage Patch Kid in 1985, I've always wanted to be a mother. And while that isn't happening in the time frame I had set out for myself in high school, I am still working towards that goal. It became imperative that I change my mindset since the last failed cycle. You would think that after over 30 failed cycles, I would get used to it, but these last few medicated cycles have hit me hard. I was making myself so crazy with the stress of trying to concieve and with being depressed when I hadn't. I made the decision to not let this beat me. I am not my infertility and whether or not I am ever pregnant doesn't really make a whole lot of difference. Do I want to experience pregnancy? Absolutely. But, do I want to experience motherhood more? Definitely! So, at this point, we are doing what we can to have the chance at pregnancy. But, while we wait, I've begun reading a book about adoption. 690 pages of decisions that we may be faced with in the future. A little daunting, but a definite possibility.

And for now, I'll be happy with these little guys...my family. Top row L to R: Laura Wanda, Camryn Paige, Miriam Kathleen, Colton Raul, and Caroline Anita. Bottom row L to R: Bianca Lisa, Keely Halona, Victor Felix, Alexa Stella, Claudia Piper, Laney Kimberly, Piddles, and Rodeo.

Stay happy Blogger Buddies!

We need the rain?

I don't refute the fact that we need rain. It's essential to survival and all that. But, the torential downpour for days on end? Not so much. It seems like all it has done this year on a regular basis is rain. The flooding has been horrible. Plus, it has really put a damper on my daily walks. This is a picture of an area here. YIKES!

By the way, no one was hurt and they did get the van out.

Stay dry Blogger Buddies!

Charting Temps

This is a BBT (basal body temperature) chart.

This is a BBT chart on drugs (mine unfortunately).

See the difference?

If you are interested in more information, check this out.

You're too Open

This is something I was told a couple of days ago about my blog. Well, first, this is my blog and you don't have to read it. Second, this is a history of my personal life and what is happening in it. Infertility is such a huge part of my life right now and I have decided to share my experiences with whoever wants to read about them. I hope to be able to touch someone's life the way others have touched mine. I want to spread the word about infertility; that it is a disease and that it is more common than we realize. 6.1 million couples in the United States deal with infertility in some form. So why is it that our culture keeps this on the down low? Our manhood/womanhood is not measured by what is or isn't going on in our reproductive track. Why are we so scared to talk about these types of troubles. If I had been more open two years ago, then I might already have a baby. I waited way too long before going to the doctor about our problems and there wasn't a good reason to wait. There is nothing to be ashamed of and we need to be proactive about Infertility.

Wear to make aware.

Be Proactive Blogger Buddies!

Saving the World

One less plastic bag at a time.

I love these bags Wal-Mart has started selling. I use them everywhere I go. Be proactive. Recycle.

See ya, Blogger Buddies!

Our Body Beautiful

Here is a link to some pictures of ovulation. If you don't like blood and/or guts, you may want to skip this one. But, if you are like me (I can watch the discovery channel surgery week 24/7), then take a peek. I think it's super cool to be able to see this!

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/health/7447942.stm

Stay cool blogger buddies!

Change of plans

My doctor told me last cycle that if it didn't work we would go on to IUI's. When we started this infertility journey I wasn't sure I wanted to do IUI's or IVF. I was leaning more towards adoption. But, when I was told the option was an IUI or nothing, the decision suddenly became a lot easier to make. I opted for the IUI. I still won't do IVF. I have some moral concerns about IVF that makes me uncomfortable with it. I won't say that it's wrong, but I'm not going to do it. Well, my doctor decided to have us do one more clomid/natural cycle and then we will revisit the IUI topic. Ok, whatever you think. I've also put away the temperature chart. I'm not going to graph anything this cycle. I think it will really help with the stress of doing this.

Here are a few funny conversations I had today with WandBoy and Obi-Wan Kenobe (my doctor).

Dialogue between WandBoy and I:

Me: "I tried to talk my hubby into coming with me today."
WandBoy: "What was his lame excuse for not coming?"
Me: "He doesn't like you."
WandBoy: "What?" (look of shock and then laughs) "I have another fertility patient whose husband likes to hunt. I keep my blinds closed so I don't get sniped."

Dialogue between Obi-Wan Kenobe and I:

Obi-Wan: (walks in, sits down and starts to log into the computer) "So what are we doing today?"
Me: (Blank look) "I thought you were supposed to tell me that."
Obi-Wan: "Oh yeah, I guess that's why you pay me the big bucks."
Me: "By the way, how do you like the new car I'm buying for you?"
Obi-Wan: "I haven't picked one out yet. I was waiting to see how long it would take to get you pregnant."
Me: (thinking) yeah....he wants to wait until I have to do IVF so he can splurge for the Bentley.

Later during the consult:

Obi-Wan: "So I'm going to give you one more chance with clomid and home intercourse."
Me: "I feel like I'm being reprimanded. I only get one more chance."
Obi-Wan: "We'll blame it all on your husband. And then we will go to something else. By something else I mean intrauterine insemination."
Me: "Yeah, we talked about this. Like a cow."
Obi-Wan: (blank look for a few seconds and then laughter) "I wouldn't look at it like that. But, agriculture has paved the way for a lot of the things we do today."
Me: (nodding) "yea.....that's great......I guess....."

Until next time, stay sweet Blogger Buddies.

Yes, I am a Junkie

I laugh about the situations I have found myself in due to infertility. Here are a few things that I find humorous:

1. I give myself shots.
2. I go to the gyno at least three times a month. And it's not because I have a lot of pap.
3. Russ and I have made up a super identity for the radiologist.
4. My best friend is a speculum.
5. I'm used to the see-through sheets they give me to keep my "modesty" in tact.
6. My arm is permanently bruised because of all the blood I've given them.
7. I am helping my doctor buy a brand new car.
8. I know the staff of the clinic by name and they know me by name.

Now, here are some funny stories behind some of these things.

I give myself shots. The first time my doctor told me that I would be giving myself shots, I was a bit horrified. So, we walked out into the main area of the clinic and he went to get me the pre-filled syringe (I'm so glad I don't have to measure the meds and fill the syringe myself...some women do). He handed it to me and sent me on my way. And me being horrified and being paralyzed from the neck up because of the horrifying thought of shooting myself up started to walk away. My doctor finally wakes up and says "Wait a minute. I guess we need to show you how to do that." Oh, oh yeah. I guess that would be good. So, he gave me a quick crash course in giving myself a shot...and when I say quick, I mean quick. Didn't take him two minutes. He showed me where to do it at and told me to pinch the skin and insert the needle the whole way and insert the meds. That's it. That is all he told me. YIKES! So the nurse who takes my blood, (this was at opening time so all the nurses were around watching this unfold) told me to get all the air out by pushing the meds up until a bubble forms at the top of the needle just like I see in the movies. I just looked at my doctor and the only thing I could think to say was "I don't get to practice on an orange?"

The radiologist's super identity. Russ and I were in bed a couple of nights ago talking about stuff and we started talking about my visits with the radiologist and Russ started calling him "Wand Boy." I thought it sounded like a super hero so we made up a complete super identity for him. He gets to wear blue spandex with a WB on the front and a cape. It was pointed out to me that hero's don't wear capes anymore according to the Incredibles. Well, WandBoy's cape isn't going to be sucked into the vortex of my vagina, so he gets to wear a cape. He also poses like the Statue of Liberty with the magic love wand in the air. I'm not going to be able to look him in the face ever again....or any of you after telling you this story....

The see-through sheets. I have to laugh at the sheets they give me to cover up with. They are about threadbare and totally see-through. At least the radiologist always dims the lights so he won't see anything, but when the NP did my annual there was no dimming of the lights. I was completely naked under a see-through sheet and a "top" that consisted of a scrap of fabric with a hole in the middle for my head. I guess it's better than not being covered, but it's cold in those rooms!

I feel like the people at the clinic are my friends. I see them more than some of my friends anyway. By the end of the first month of treatment, the staff started recognizing me. I had some high blood pressure for a few weeks at the beginning and a nurse one time took me to an exam room and said, "Oh, you're the one with the high blood pressure." Great, now they are remembering things from my chart. One time when my doctor was away, the NP did my appointment. This was the first time I had seen her since my annual and she came in and said "I remembered you when I looked at your chart." Wow, thanks...I guess. Was it the crying when I told you about my infertility or was it the see-through sheet and scrap of fabric with a hole for my head? The radiologist likes to continue conversations we had started weeks previously. I'm going to say it's my charming personality...the alternative reason isn't something I want to think about.

Stay cool Blogger buddies!

Moving On

I made an appointment for Monday for a baseline ultrasound and a visit with my doctor. Joy. I was really hoping I wouldn't have to do that again, but some things just aren't meant to be. My dreams of having babies the "old fashioned way" are dead. We're moving on to IUI's. Since I respond well to the clomid, we will probably be doing IUI's with clomid and if three rounds of those don't work, then we will do IUI's with injectables. I'm looking at these failed cycles as a way to see what doesn't work. So far on my list:

1. sex
2. sex with clomid

I don't think my mother knew what she was talking about when she explained the birds and the bees to me when I was young.

Until next time blogger buddies!

Fun Times at the PAR-TAY!

Here are a few snapshots from the party that I didn't get into that post. Enjoy blogger buddies!

Russy and Lili

Chris and Chelle

Jeremy and Bailey

Alli

Tony and Debbie

Brent, Dedra, and Cayden

Grandpa and Uncle Jim

Dad and Mar

Uncle Justin and Aunt Cindy

Jordan, Jeremy, Kaylee, and Shawna (My brother and his family)

Brennan, Twyla, Taylor, Bode, and Blair (My cousin and his family)

Uncle Rob and Aunt Diana

Jordan and Chelle

Kaylee and Alli

Cayden

Alli and Lili

Chelle and Kaylee

Jordan, Grandpa, and KayleeDad, Jordan, Jeremy, and Grandpa

Debbie, Alli, Tony, Lili, Russy, Bailey, and Jeremy

Blair. He's three weeks old!

Alli and Kaylee playing Wii

Kaylee, Blair, and Taylor

Dad in his Russian hat and Taylor

Fun times! Until next time, Blogger Buddies!