Sunday, August 10, 2008

Just a Little Vent

It really gets to me that people can be so insensitive to others. I am totally guilty of this, but I try very hard to be more sensitive. I try not to say certain things or ask personal questions that are none of my business. Maybe this comes off as not caring, but it's better to not hurt someones feelings than to say something that could be rude, insensitive, or potentially damaging to a relationship. So, I have a couple of lists for you! You know how much a love making lists!

What you should NEVER say to an infertile person:

1. "Just relax." This is the worst thing you could say to someone who is going through infertility. They know and their doctor's know that no amount of relaxing is going to change the fact that you have a hormone imbalance, you have no fallopian tubes, or you have fibroids in your uterus.

2. "Go on vacation." Seriously? Just because you happened to go on vacation during ovulation and you just happened to get pregnant doesn't mean that's going to happen to everyone else, too.

3. "Stop trying." HA! For people who are infertile and don't want to be, this is like telling a maggot not to eat the dead bird on the ground. It's useless. The dead bird is going to be ate by maggots and infertile people are going to keep on trying to have a biological baby.

4. "Just adopt." This is a bit of a pet peeve of mine because I am guilty of saying this to someone very close to me. If I could take those few seconds back, I would. Adoption is a wonderful oportunity. Don't get me wrong, I have always wanted to adopt. But it turns into something very bittersweet when it becomes the only way you will ever become a parent.

5. "Is it you or him?" This is completely insensitive. Why would someone ever think that this is an acceptable question? No matter who it is in the relationship, we are in this together and it really doesn't matter and it's none of your business!

6. "You should be happy you don't have children. You can still sleep late and don't have to listen to crying babies." For someone who wants to have to get up for 2:00 a.m. feedings, this is not something they want to hear. After having tried for years to get pregnant, we are ready to take this next step and we want to have the responsibility to take care of a child. Also, it's a little sad that you aren't enjoying your baby the way you should if you think in this manner.

7. "There are worse things that could cancer." Unless you have battled infertility AND cancer, then I don't want to hear this. How would you know whether cancer is worse or not? Both of these conditions are devestating for families. Yes, cancer can end in death. So what? That thought doesn't take the pain of infertility away.

8. "Maybe God doesn't want you to be parents." This is just cruel. Enough said.

Now, here is a list of things not to say to a newly pregnant infertile woman. If you know someone who is infertile and may become pregnant please, I beg you, please don't say these things. They are insensitive and some are even rude.

1. "I didn't even know you were trying." I'm sorry for not revealing the most intimate parts of my life to you. Next time, I'll send you a card to tell you and I'll go ahead and enclose a calendar of my cycle.

2. "Well, I hope you can carry it to term." I, for one, am a realist. I understand that things happen and may not work out. I don't need to hear it from someone else. This is not only insensitive, it is cruel. Please don't say this to ANYONE!

3. "I didn't think you were ever going to have a baby." Thanks for the vote of confidence. I am so glad I decided to tell you about my pregnancy. Are you the least bit excited for me?

4. "You wanted this." This is sometimes said after an infertile, pregnant woman says something about her cramps, hemorrhoids, or gestational diabetes. Yes, we want to be pregnant, but we really aren't looking forward to all the pain that comes with it.

5. "Just be thankful you got pregnant." Yes, we are thankful. But, no one in their right mind would be thankful for all the lovely side effects of carrying a child in their womb. I.E. pain, cramps, hemorrhoids, gestational diabets, etc. Also, especially don't say things like this if you asked how the said pregnant person was doing.

I hope this makes some people think about the things they say. It made me feel better anyway!

Stay Cool Blogger Buddies!


~*JaYmE*~ said...

Hey Lisa! I loved this post! Would you mind if I copied that onto my myspace for a blog... I have some friends that I think need to read that. I wont say your name or anything.

Nikki said...

Agreed, but I think just like we developed a thick skin to insensitive questions while dealing we IF, we should develop one afterwards too. One needs to deal with insensitive remarks in all walks of life the same way. Sometimes people don't realize what they say and how bad it hurts.

I'm not trying to preach here, just saying that people will be people. Hope you're feeling good! Good luck tomorrow for your beta!

Mercedes said...

Don't worry most of the time hemroids don't come till labor.