I've been in a funk for the last few weeks.
A funk that I never wanted to find myself in again.
And it stems from infertility.
Last year, along about November, I started finding real peace with the fact that Chloe Jo might be our only child. I started feeling like it would be okay if we weren't able to give her a sibling. Life would go on and it would be fine. I can't describe how unbelievably happy Chloe Jo makes me. We are so blessed to have her and everything else we have in this life.
Then I went to Missouri.
And I saw how Chloe Jo acted with her little cousin. Even though she didn't want Brianna to touch her or talk to her or even look in her general direction, she loved her. Chloe Jo was always concerned about little Brianna. If she got in trouble, Chloe Jo cried like she was the one that got in trouble. If she coughed, Chloe Jo would pat her on the back. If she spit up or drooled, Chloe Jo would wipe her mouth with her burp cloth. She loved Brianna so much.
And I started to feel like I wouldn't be okay anymore. I want another child so badly right now I can't hardly breathe. Chloe Jo would be an amazing big sister and I want to give her that opportunity.
I know God has a plan for me. I know that He will give me the peace and comfort I need right now if I look to Him and pray. And I have prayed so hard the last few weeks for that peace I had before going to Missouri. I need that peace back. Or I need to have another baby. If only it were that simple.
And to top it all off, Enfamil has sent me two samples of their formula in that last couple of weeks. Jerks.