Sunday, November 28, 2010

Dreams and Reality

I dream constantly. My dreams are usually vivid, but there are times when I can't remember what I dreamed about. I love how one small thing will trigger a memory from a dream I wasn't even aware of. Last night I had a dream that has become a source of sadness for me today. I dreamed that I took a pregnancy test that I could plug into my computer and it was positive. My computer screen had the words "You're pregnant!" on it and a few people (I don't know who they were) saw it and we were celebrating. It is rare that I have dreams about being pregnant, but when I do it really bothers me. I've been doing really good about trying to move past my infertility since Chloe Jo was born. There have been setbacks, but, for the most part, I've been doing really good. Then there are times, like the last few weeks, that I feel like I'm starting over in the mourning process. About a month ago, Russ' middle brother told us that his wife is expecting again. This wasn't a huge surprise to me so I was okay with it. It hurts. Don't get me wrong. It hurts. Also, please don't misunderstand the fact that I'm hurting because I have inept ovaries, not because they are having a baby. This is what they wanted so I am happy for them. Then a couple of weeks ago, Russ' oldest brother (there are only three of them) "let it slip" in a text that his wife is pregnant. I was not prepared for that at all. Again, please don't misunderstand me. I am happy for them. It took me a couple of days to get used to the idea, but I am happy for them. They were going to wait to tell us in person and, secretly, I was glad that didn't work. I am dismal at covering up my true feelings and I think it would have hurt their feelings. I am so glad that I had time to be sad for us before we saw them so I could be truly happy for them. It stinks being the only wife in Russ' family that isn't able to give his parents another grandchild. It stinks, but after thinking about it, I'm okay. Today, though, after the dream I had last night, I just feel like mourning. Again. Forever. I have tried so hard to let this go and to just give it to God. And I've done good. Until I have days like this. Sometimes it hurts so much that I wish I could rip my heart out of my chest to make it stop. I am so blessed to have that sweet (although very naughty today), beautiful little girl who is asleep in her room right now. I know I am blessed with everything I need in this life. It just stinks that the one goal I have had consistently since I was little seems to be so out of my reach. Not the being a Mom part. I know I have that. The being a Mom to 3 to 5 (dream big, right!?!) little children and raising them to be amazing adults. Dreams like the one I had last night are lovely for a while. Then reality comes back. *sigh*


elephantscanremember said...

(hugs) I have a love/hate relationship with those dreams. It is amazing while it's happening, but when I wake up to realize it's not real, but just a dream, it's harsh.

Chhandita said...

( am going through a similar phase so I totally understand. (hugs)

Anonymous said...